I am writing this post with a very heavy heart. I have been missing for a very long time. I wanted to explain why I have not posted in over a year I think.
If you have been following me for a while you may have been aware that Jan 28, 2013 my baby girl of 15 weeks had passed away. I was scheduled for an amino on this date and during my ultrasound we were informed that my gift that I had been been praying almost daily for over 15 years was lost to me. After the nurse abruptly left almost instantly I knew that she was gone.
If you have read in my history you are aware that Nov 3, 1994 I gave birth to Alexander Jake (31 weeks) was born without breath. His heartbeat for a sec or two then peacefully went to sleep. We had been advised at our 18 week appointment that we should abort due to my first born son having a serious birth defect that would be fatal. I was too devastated to think but I refused to end my first pregnancy after trying for a year, after hoping and praying and wanting a baby. I was told that I could loose him any time, I would deliver before my due date. My Asshole Doctor said terminate now and you can put it in a shoe box and have a family burial.. I am not a violent person but I could have kicked him very hard in his nether regions at that time.
My husband and I discussed what we would do. I could not bring myself to end this pregnancy. If god was taking him away then he would have to do it himself. I could not. I carried him till 31 weeks, had 4 days of labour. I was able to hold him, take pic to remember him always. We then went to the funeral home to say our goodbyes privately.
We had a service for family members and we buried him forever. I lost my mind for a few months after. This was Nov 1994. I prayed for another baby every day, begged for another baby. It took us till 1998 to become pregnant again. These were the scariest days of my life. We were advised that we now had a 1 in 4 chance that we would have the same birth defect again. We would not know till our 18 week ultrasound if our baby would be healthy. This was a very very very stressful time. At our 18 week ultrasound we were advised in less than 1 hour that I was carrying a healthy(as healthy as possible at this pregnancy stage) we were told another beautiful boy was coming. My baby shower was held very very late in term due to every day hoping for a healthy baby but always expecting bad news.
On April 13, 1999 5:07 PM Logan John was born, beautiful, healthy and ALL MINE!!!! Thank you god!!
It took till March 2003 to become pregnant again (I never used any birth control) I do not get pregnant easy so this was another amazing blessing.. However until 18th week this again was another stressful time for me. I never gained any weight during this pregnancy and my baby boy did not move very much so many many visits to our doctor but everything was fine. Hayden Harley Edward was born Dec 1, 2003 at 2:07pm. Healthy and beautiful and so very loved.
Now again I wasn't on birth control so in Nov when I was late I assumed it was miscalculated but took a test for fun and it was Positive. I was very very excited. I had been trying to convince my husband that I really wanted a third child and it was getting late in my life ( I am turning 39 Dec 11) so I need to have this baby now or not at all. Mind you we had been kind of careful but I am sure you ladies know that sort of careful is a crap shoot. But again I don't get pregnant easy so this was a huge surprise. On our 9th week ultrasound my dream came true and was completely shattered in one min. My doctor said Congratulations It's a Girl!!! I started crying I was so very very happy. I honestly have never felt this kind of happiness in my life(except birth of my boys) ever. In the next min she said BUT, I am see a huge problem. She has a whole in her belly, it looks like her intestines are out of her belly. Now, this can go two ways Either she is born in Specialised Hospital for an immediate operation to fix her intestines or she will pass away in utero. Right now I don't know. I was scheduled for an amino Jan 28th, 2013 at 15 weeks to see what was going on for certain. I prayed every day, Please keep her healthy, please keep her safe, please let me have her. I was trying to stay as positive as I could. I kept thinking God would not give her tome only to take away my little girl I have wanted, prayed, hoped for all my adult years. I already buried one son, please don't make me loose another baby in this lifetime. I was not even thinking that she would pass away inside me. Part of my soul died that day. I never knew that a person could survive this devastation twice in one lifetime. I had always considered myself lucky while trying to get pregnant cuz I at least was lucky enough not to have suffering miscarriages. That to me was worse than trying to get pregnant cuz that is a loss no one should ever suffer through.
This was my first time having a baby dying inside me and because I was 15 weeks I had to be induced so I could deliver another dead baby. I went through 27 hours of labour to loose my baby girl that I will never have, never hold and never forget. I also had the added bonus of not being able to pass the afterbirth in timely manner. I had to be rushed for surgery to stop the bleeding.
I was given some pills and I can tell you I don't know anything I did or said in those first 10 days. Thank goodness I have no memory of those first few days.
We had decided if I was not pregnant by Dec 21, 2013 I would get my tubes tied cuz I could not keep being disappointed every month that I was not pregnant. I kept thinking maybe now I will deserve my baby girl, Maybe I will be rewarded with a girl again. Every month I was devastated again. I also had a close friend have a healthy baby boy, my next door neighbor who isn't fit to have a cat was also pregnant again with a fourth baby cuz she doesn't know what a condom or birth control is so her birth control is abortions... I hid in my house only going to my doctors appointments or the drugstore to get my prescriptions. I took care of my children had a limited existence. Every time I went anywheres I seen baby girls or big bellies carrying healthy babies that I could not have.
On Dec 24th, 2013 as a joke I took a pregnancy test hoping but knowing there was no chance that I would be lucky again. At 3:30pm I got a positive test. I cried. Every day I was scared, worried, stressed. I purchased a fetal monitor so I could hear my baby every day. I had to make sure the baby was OK. At our 13 week ultrasound we got the ALL Clear every thing looks good, baby doesn't have any defects and he's got a beautiful profile. I cried. Relieved. I was so excited I didn't even care if it was a boy. I made an appointment at U See Baby for our gender ultrasound $150 at 18 Weeks. I was starting to feel a little better (not much) I kept trying to hear the babies heart beat but at 16 weeks I still wasn't able to hear with my fetal monitor. I made an appointment for my doctor to please try to hear the heart beat. I need good news. The baby was moving a little. We went to the UC baby Gender scan feeling so excited. The lady was having a hard time to get a clear look. The baby face was turned into the placenta, she kept getting me to move and turn hoping to get baby moving. She kept commenting on how big and healthy my placenta was and baby was comfortable that is why not moving to give us good view. She had asked what we were hoping for. I said a Girl would be a miracle and what I was hoping for but at this point just a healthy baby would be a blessing. After about 30 mins of trying to get a better look she said "I can't promise but I think I am seeing a girl" I can't guarantee so you need to make another appointment in 4 weeks and come back so we can get another scan. I was so excited I didn't care that she said probably.. I took it as a Girl. During the whole appointment she kept commenting on how healthy and big and comfortable my placenta was and baby was just comfortable and not wanting to move. I gladly paid $150 for my one pic of my placenta and baby's side view. Beautiful baby Girl. This was on April 4th, 2014. I could not wait till the next week to find out the gender I had to know now.. lol..
The baby had been moving a little more and I was so happy and grateful. I was finally able to find baby's heart beat around 17 weeks so I was feeling better. I didn't want to take a chance on hurting baby so only listened every other day just in case.
Before I went to bed on Saturday April 5th, 2014 around 12am I had been trying to hear the heartbeat all day with no luck so I was getting stressed and getting more upset as I had no luck finding it at all. I felt a huge rush of deep sadness feeling something was wrong. I planned on going to ER in morning just to check. I cried for about 2 hours that night unable to let go of this sadness.I finally was able to lay down for sleep finally felt relief as I felt a movement I felt relief. April 8th, 2014 at our 19 week ultrasound so I was in good spirits hoping to confirm that I was having a healthy baby girl after all this time. My mother was with my husband and I all excited to see what we were having. The nurse said she was getting dates before the doctor came for the actual scan. She sat for a total of 2 mins before stopping and putting the prod away saying she was getting the doctor.
Anyone who has suffered a loss during pregnancy knows that they only stop when baby is gone. I started to cry thinking to myself no I felt the baby last night, I immediately thought about Sat night and when I just had the strongest feeling I lost my baby again. The doctor came in to confirm and to say " I am sorry but your baby is dead. She then started to go on about what she was seeing. I had NO amniotic fluid. The placenta was extremely large, they estimated the baby had stopped growing and quite possibly died as early as during the 18th week. She said the baby was only measuring about 16 to 17 weeks and had not grown since then. She was very surprised that I had been feeling movement during the past week. In my mind I kept going back to Sat night I am sure he moved. She said yes movement can still be felt after a baby has passed. We kept trying to understand how some stupid woman who charged me $150 for a scan telling us how healthy my placenta was and how happy my baby was and that she was pretty sure it was a girl. Baby is so happy.. She had no freaking clue what the hell she was doing. They should not be aloud to have a business when they have no clue what the hell they are doing. This was not some small mistake, she told me what she thought I wanted to hear. She charged a huge amount of money without having any training or knowledge of what she was saying.
I was trying to understand what the hell happened between my 13 week ultrasound which we were given the all clear. No defects detected, good size, measuring perfectly. How can I loose all my amniotic fluid and not notice? Doctor said my placenta was unhealthy and not producing it. The baby had no room so he had some deformed limbs. I was living my worst nightmare again. This is my 3rd dead baby all lost after the 12 week mark. The highest chance of loss. Most don't loose babies late term. They kept telling us with Zoey Alexis (baby girl) that this was a fluke. The chance of it happening again are so very little. Being told by doctor after doctor.. Chances are very good will carry a healthy baby next time.
On April 10th, 2014 around 8pm after 37 hours of induced labour so I could deliver another dead baby. This time for fun my cervix wouldn't open after dose after dose of medication The doctor thought it would be fun to insert some balloon device to open my uterus and pump it open while I was screaming for about 20 mins cuz I thought she was trying to kill me. I wasn't in this much pain when I gave birth to my two healthy full term babies. I was on Phetnol 100mg every 7 mins and was still screaming for her to please stop. My dosage was three times the normal dose and could kill me if they increased it any more. After I was screaming, crying and begging for her to please stop. It had a long tube taped to my leg. I had to get up to pee. When I came back to the bed the balloon fell out and I started crying and begging for her to please do something else anything else. I gave birth about 7 mins later. This time my placenta came out normal but after the 20 mins of torture I figured I was due for a break. Jackson Alexander was born and his death certificate was signed. This time we wanted an autopsy to see what went wrong and if any information could be given or to know what happened and will this happen for a fourth time? I was given twice the amount of Valium this time so the rest of the month of April is pretty much a blur.. I only remember crying while at the doctors, while waiting for my medication. Crying during a conversation with my older son. I was surprised by how much more devastated I felt this time around. We figure I had some post partum depression on top of my grief. The grown was too frozen for a burial so we had to wait till the funeral home contacted us for the burial date.
We were relieved that we could bury Jackson with his brother Alexander. On June 10, 2014. We laid our third baby to rest with his brother Alexander. I was able to feel a little relief that neither baby will be alone again. I haven't felt up to blogging since last year. I have been doing little more than existing. I take care of my two children, paint my nails sometimes. I am trying to survive, I get through each day and kiss my boys hard. I am so grateful for my two boys. I know that should be enough but I can't help but feel angry and sad and resentful. We need to make a decision to try again or not. I am 38 and I don't get pregnant easy and with thinking or trying it makes it that much harder. My fertility is decreasing with every month and soon I won't be able to become pregnant either way.
I honestly don't think I can survive loosing another baby. I almost didn't make it this last time so I am not sure if I want to even try. I can't stand the thought of going through labour to deliver another dead baby. If I was loosing them early maybe it would be easier or something. i don't know. Feeling a baby move for days or weeks. Feeling my belly get bigger and bigger only to end up with a baby who has died in my belly is a feeling only another mother can relate or imagine.
I am sorry for going on and on and on. I have so many feelings or thoughts and try not to think about it but it just seems to be non stop today. I just wanted to explain where I have been. I was hoping to start again. I thought that doing my nails again and posting or keeping in touch with others would be therapeutic or something..
I really don't know anymore.
I love and miss you Jackson, Zoey and Alexander so much. I am grateful for the time I was able to feel you and I am sorry I wasn't able to kiss you.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am sorry for being so morbid. I guess I am trying to make sense of it.
Nicole
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