Sunday, March 01, 2015

Update On Past Few Months

Hello Everyone who has kept me on their Blog list. I haven't posted anything since August 2014 due to some personal issues going on.  
I will be going slow and can't promise to be posting regularly but I want to start posting weekly. I have been on Facebook and Instagram a lot in the past few months. They seem to be easier to access. Since Google Reader left I haven't been able to enjoy my blog list as much as I used to. I did instal Bliglovin as recommended but honestly I really don't like it. I hadn't been logging on to read regularly so it got very back logged and when I tried to open and read it was just so full that it either crashed my iPod/iPad so I wasn't able to continue. Or at least I didn't know how to continue without just marking all as read. I am a member of Many Facebook groups so I have been able to get my Nail Stamping fix there and Instagram. 

My family computer has crashed and I am left with my iPod/iPad(when I can get access to it cuz hubby and youngest son won't ever let me use it) lol it's pretty funny how my hubby had been so adamant about not getting the iPad. It's too expensive, no one really uses it that much or it doesn't do anything. Lol 
I had wanted it for myself really. I figured that it would go mostly unused like our older had gone for days at a time with no use. Well, hubby apparently has seen the iPad light. If my youngest is in school or playing on his xbox one then hubby has the iPad or if my youngest has it then hubby will get it after bedtime and use rot till he goes to bed. Some nights that turns into 2-3 am. It's really sad actually. My hubby seems to be addicted to it. It's good that it is being usd and enjoyed better with newer model. 

I was looking back on my previous posts to see what the dates were of my last few posts and what I had talked about. The last post was dared for the starting of August and I had talked about loosing our baby boy Jaxson who was born sleeping at 20 weeks April 10,2014.  We had our meeting with our maternal/fetal care specialist about the autopsy results
We had hoped for some answers as to what happened or why I had lost two babies within a 14 month period. Unfortunely there was no known medical reason for our recent losses. Shawn and I had talked and decided that we were not going to attempt to carry again. The Dr had made it clear there was no reason to believe that we could carry to term with a healthy baby. We could have closer monitoring but with no medical reason there was also no medical solution or treatment to help ensure for a healthy baby. 

I had a hard time with loosing baby Jaxson as I was farther along. Jaxson had been moving and I was really sad and was having more episodes of crying and also always seeing big round pregnant bellies or little babies in strollers or car seats. I wasn't going to many places during those few months. Drugstore, groceries and corner store that was the extent of my outings. 

I realized in early September that I was passed my time but figured with having a baby few months ago and stress it was normal to be late. Shawn and I had been talking about being at peace with our decision not to have another baby and I was starting to have longer time periods of not crying or feeling so sad. 
I had still not started so I was kind of worried but not really cuz after we lost baby Zoey in Jan 2013 we started trying as soon as we got home basically. It took 11 months before we conceived. I never was able to get pregnant easily as we had 8 year time gap with our youngest and our recent pregnancies. I truly just wanted reassure myself BUT was I ever surprised that we were in fact pregnant again. We hadn't taken any chances except for two times but shouldn't have been a fertile time. I found out I conceived Aug 9,2014 or so. I was 8 weeks when I had my dating ultrasound at the starting of September. 
We had a very very huge weight that settled right on my heart and my head. I couldn't sleep, I was up all night and was only able to doze off in afternoons if I was lucky. I changed hospitals to a OBGYN clinic that was recommended as great care so I would be monitored. Our 13 week ultrasound checked out perfectly. We did our bloodwork but had positive results for Spiba Bifida but specialist fond no physical signs or markers during the ultrasound which was good or positive news. The test results could be attributed to my age 38(39 Dec 11) or to placenta problems. It wasn't possible to know. 
I was seen every three weeks. I was given quick ultrasounds with each visit just to see him moving and to confirm he was healthy and growing. After 16 weeks we were able to hear babies heartbeat with our Doppler as was the Dr. At 18 weeks we had our anatomy scan and was told baby boy was healthy growing as expected, no physical abnormalities to be found. Every Dr visit I was feeling a bit more relaxed. I was past the 15week mark and baby was moving and ultrasounds were looking great. Our baby specialist did another scan at 20 weeks just to confirm everything was great. 
Baby was moving very regularly and growing steady. I was able to just feel him move instead of needing to use the Doppler to check on him every couple of days. We had more scans for 28 weeks 32 and more as needed. 
My 27 week which was Feb 2 was our normal Dr appt. I didn't feel the need for an intraday dad we were going in next week and Doppler was used and baby heartbeat measures 143-150 healthy and growing well. 
Friday morning I had been up since 3am and wasn't able to sleep. Shawn and I were talking and I was wondering why baby wasn't moving around while hearing my voice. Around 7:25 I was still not feeling him as I should have. Dr had said it's too early to count movements yet but if I did it was 6 movements in two hours but I was still early. I decided to just use my Doppler cuz it would just ease my worry. I used it but wasn't find in his heartbeat spin thought I was sitting down instead of laying on my back so I layed down to use it. I was not finding it and was a little panicked so I put it away and told Shawn. He said take break try ago. I tried again after few mins but still found none. I was crying at this point and Shawn kept saying baby is laying the wrong way or something. I really needed to find out what was going on. I called my mom and asked to drive to hospital to get checked. We got there but had to wait 30 mins or so. The nurse came in and we heard a loud and quick heartbeat. I felt relief for a min but it sounded too close to my own heartbeat cuz I was crying. She was taking my pulse and confirmed we were hearing my heartbeat and wasn't able to find baby heartbeat,  so we were waiting for Dr to come in to do ultrasound. 
She did ultrasound and appologized that we had for a third time in 19 months lost our baby boy at 27weeks. 

I started crying hysterically and started to throw up and couldn't stop. I could just not believe this was happening again. 
Shawn was at home getting our boys ready for school so he didn't know yet. He was taking cab over. He was devasted. There was no way this was happening again. I really couldn't even think. It was a very cruel joke. 27 weeks is a viable pregnancy it's possible for baby to live. I had just bought my first baby items cuz I was too scared to go shopping. I didn't want to jinxed it. 
I went home to pack and was admired to labour and delivery. The same nurse for the last two times was working and remembered us and gave me a huge hug cuz she couldn't believe I was back 
I was induced and was in a Lot of pain for the last six hours of labour. I only had phentnol and it wasn't working well. I was in too much pain and was about to get an epidural but delivered our sleepng baby boy at 3:20am. 
We were able to hold and kiss and hug our beautiful baby Maddox. We took pics cuz I wanted to remember our baby who had existed that no one would ever know. I was angry and sad and just so lost cuz I just can't understand why. I really can't. I have a neighbour who used drugs including crack for at least four months of her pregnancy. Doesn't take care of kids she has now including letting her three year old run around outside alone. Has had two abortions in the past three years cuz wasn't using birth control but yet she was pregnant with a completely healthy baby girl at 34 weeks. Why was she able to carry her baby? Why was hers healthy and beautiful and able to be born one week after I delivered my sleeping baby. 
I am so angry and hurt. I don't wish her baby anything bad but I am just angry. It's not fair.
This baby was supposed to be healthy and safe. Why didn't I ask for an ultrasound? Why didn't I notice something was wrong? I am still spinning and trying not to drown. My youngest son is hurt and sad. All he's ever wanted was a baby in the house. Ever since he was 3 and up. I really don't know what I am going to do. Our baby will buried with his two brothers in May and we will be there to say goodbuy to another son. 

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